Revision on Project #2

November 9, 2016 | | 2 Comments

I personally feel that working in workshops like we had on Monday and getting feedback really helps make the revision process much easier because we can work on specific areas that we need to improve on. After reading the comments that Professor Fleetwood and my peers have written on my paper, I’ve realized that I need to work on my transitions between each topic sentence and idea. Although I have good topic sentences and a lot of analysis, I tend to jump too quickly on each idea, making the transitions not so smooth. In order to make the transitions smooth, I need to rephrase the sentences that are in-between the topic sentences and the ideas. I should clean up my thesis statement and add a “so what?” factor into my paper so that it would be more interesting for the reader. I have also made the mistake of using one scholarly article that did not match my thesis statement, and as a result, made my essay sound like a different paper towards the end. I chose an article that was about alcoholism and I┬áhave noticed that I need to find an article that correlates to oppression and/or life on an Indian reservation. I believe that this is the main problem that I need to fix the most, and hopefully, I can receive a higher grade on the second paper.

– Kristine Pantaleon


Comments



2 Comments so far

  1.    Tajdidul Sefat on November 9, 2016 6:23 am

    Hey Kristine it looks like we both chose an article that went against our paper. At first, I thought that the article I chose was a good article since it somewhat related to my thesis statement. But when I got my paper back, I read the comments and it said that the source made my paper appear weaker. So all I can do is find another source that resonates with my essay. Though I wonder how I am going to find another secondary source while Trump plans to ban the internet.

  2.    Zarraf Azim on November 9, 2016 6:01 pm

    Hey Kristine,
    I agree that the workshop on Monday, it was very helpful and it pointed out a lot of mistakes I made without even noticing. For me, I brought up an idea that did not correlate with my essay topic too well or it wasn’t worded correctly to fit my argument.

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